Ok Boys, "Get Western"

Pour yourself a shot of Old Homicide and take a gander at my third-favorite Stooge (behind Curly and Larry, of course). My parents would video-tape episodes of the Three Stooges at 5:00 every morning so my brother and I could watch them before school. We always hated when it was a Shemp episode instead of a Curly episode. But as I grew up, I figured out that Shemp was goddamn hilarious, in his own way. So, I'll shoot ya for a drink. You throw.

Good F***ing Grief

Today is my boss's birthday, and he loves him some Peanuts. So, I drew this up real quick-like for him. He's a rad boss, so hopefully he won't put me in the "Bad Designer Closet" at work. Anyway, he's also an artist, so you should check out some of his work here.

Ya Breakin' My Heart, Ton'...

Terrible news this evening... James Gandolfini passed away at age 51. I did a quick little drawing to pay tribute to Jersey's other Boss. The Russians must've finally caught up to him. 

Fade to black. 

Cue up Journey. 

The Undisputed King of Cartoons

Mickey didn't become king by sitting idly by, twiddling his white-gloved thumbs, and wishing he was El Numero Uno. Nope. He took the world by storm, scratching and clawing his way to the top, leaving a path of destruction and would-be challengers in his wake. So, next time you see his giggly little mouse face pop up on your TV screen, singing songs about hotdogs, just remember how he got there.

Attempted Late Night Hover-Car Jacking (At Sea)

It's common knowledge among Pirate Wabbits that the actor who played Moby Dick is loaded. He gets big, fat residual checks every year, and he's not shy with his dough. In fact, he's been carjacked three times now because he drives that crazy-fresh Chevy Windstar minivan hovercraft convertible with the ridiculous gold-flake paint job. Silly whale. He thinks he's a rapper from the early 2000s. 

Plush Limbaugh

Pull his string for your favorite Limbaugh sayings, such as: "Where's the birth certificate?!" "Mega dildos!" "Token racist remark!" "Bllrrgghhhrrr, buhhh, rrrfffrrhhhddd oxycontin!" and many, many more!

Oy Vey, Chimpy!

This is another digital painting from a couple years ago. It's a portrait of Chimpy the Frenchton, a little rascal that belongs to my friend Jonas. Chimpy's got that Hebrew swag in bushels.

Muthaf**kin' PUGS!

We have two pugs—Lulu, the fatty on the left, and Zoey, the fatty on the right. I drew this a few years ago, but I wanted to make sure the world sees how fat my dogs are. They are little loaves of smelly bread. They enjoy sleeping, sleeping, eating, sleeping, and eating their poop.

They're gross. But I love 'em.

Little Sammy Brownsack

Little Sammy Brownsack, watching re-runs of Bonanzas,

Had a dream he became the governor of Kansas.

Went to a tea party, came away with the election,

Then he took the state in to a new direction.

"I'll do away with the arts, Medicaid, and science!

I'll promote low wage, creationism, and violence!"

And soon he'd won the love of like-minded people,

Who also thought the capitol should be topped with a steeple.

Four years later, with the budget in the red,

He hatched a plan to save the day inside his giant head.

He'd hack and slash at income tax to make the people smile,

And ignore the deficit he was creating all the while.

The people lost faith in him, approval ratings fell,

But he told anyone who disagreed that they could go to hell.

He'd turned the state of Kansas in to a laughing stock,

And then, before he knew it, he was on the chopping block.

Then Little Sammy Brownsack awoke with a start!

"It was all just a dream," he thought, trying to still his heart.

"What a horrible governor I'd make, I'd truly be unfit!"

But he spoke with fingers-crossed, because…

Little Sammy Brownsack was a little sack of shit.

© Z. Newton 2013

Go'fur It!

The pleasing aroma overloaded their senses. Soon, the Go'furs were scrambling, rambling, tussling, scheming.

"How do we get to that sweet, sweet smell?" asked the first Go'fur.

"We'll just chop down the Smello's stalk!" exclaimed another.

"No! We mustn't harm the Smello, for it gives it's sweet, sweet aroma to the world and asks for nothing in return," said the third.

They tried leaping, bounding, stretching, and kvetching, but to no avail. Finally, the first Go'fur came up with a plan: "You, sit here on my shoulders, and he can sit on your shoulders, and then we'll be able to reach the top of the Smello!"

It was so crazy, it just might work, they probably thought (I can't read Go'fur minds). Soon, they'd arranged themselves into a Go'fur tower, weebling, wobbling, teetering, and tottering.

"Closer...closer...almost there..." commanded the top Go'fur, reaching for the source of the Smello's sweet smell.

"Get your foot out of my eye, you monster!" exclaimed the bottom Go'fur.

"Weeeeeeeeeee!" shouted the middle, carefree Go'fur.

The tower of Go'furs began to wobble and teeter uncontrollably (much like the column of Meeces who tried the same feat nearly two days before).

"Ha-ha-haaa! S-s-stop tickling me!" cried the bottom Go'fur.

"WE'RE GOIN' DOWN!" warned the top Go'fur.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" they screamed in unison.

Thud.

Thud. Thud.

And the sweet Smello gave a wink and a nod to the blade of grass who tickled the toes of the Go'fur on the bottom of the Go'fur tower.

...

(Don't steal my story, dammit.)

"Go'fur It!" © Z.Newton 2013

Eucalyptus Business

Walter J. Koalawski had just lost his life savings. Halls announced it would no longer be using eucalyptus in it's soothing cough drops, and the stock plummeted. Walter couldn't handle it. He went home, drank a sixer of Foster's, put anotha shrimp on the barbie, and rode into the sunset on a giant wallaby.

Big Ol' Mess-a Wabbits

And the Lurd spake: "Paint it lime green, with blue beneath; a skull tower of Wabbits, with two Go'furs for teeth." And he looked upon the creation, and it was good.

Livin' The Dream

I told ya there'd be more Wabbits.

This is me, flanked by two of my buddies (Merkle on the left, Charlie on the right), drawn as these silly little Wabbit characters I've been scribbling out for the past few weeks. We used to hang out  every Thursday after work at our favorite bar. Good times were had by all.

Then I moved to the suburbs like a bitch. 

Mr. Potato Tits

"...and his bucket of farts!"

This is definitely my favorite drawing I've done so far in my life. Mr. Potato Tits, a.k.a. Petty Officer 2nd Class Eugene Danson, knows how to have a good time. The boys in the Academy used to give him hell about his spud-pecs. Used to. One day in the mess hall, the boys were trying to give ol' Gene the hucklebuck about his tater tits. He didn't bat an eye. He unbuttoned his shirt, grabbed a potato peeler off the table, sliced off a hunk of his left bosom, looked them in the eyes, and ate it.

Classic Gene.  

We Built This City On Viking Beards

Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I'm the owner of a sometimes-awesome beard. I doodled this cute li'l fella in my sketchbook while I was trying to come up with ideas for a mural to paint in my baby's nursery (coming Oct.27). I thought it would provide the baby with a sense of comfort and protection. My girlfriend just shook her head and Googled "how to tell if your boyfriend is really that dumb." I guess I'm not going to paint it on the wall, so I worked it up in Photoshop, and made it in to a poster (that I will hang inside Baby's closet).

Clickity Clack Clack, Clickity Clack Clack, Roll On, Roll On!

I was on my way to work last week, and Clutch's Elephant Riders on the radio. It's been years since I heard the song, and it immediately became imbedded in my brain. As I'm writing this, I'm singing the chorus in my head: "Eeeeeeellllllll-llluuuuhhhhh-phaaaaaaant riders to the north..." Anyway, this ol' pachyderm has been through hell. Battle Wabbit (you'll see a lot more Wabbits, don't worry) came away unscathed.

What Time Is It?! Payback Time.

I'll be posting a number of drawings/digital paintings today. I've been doing them in my free time over the past couple weeks. I think this one was one of the first that I was working on. I love watching Adventure Time with my girlfriend and our daughter. It's one of the best shows on TV, no diggity. 

Now Serving #1

Welcome to the weird, wild world of Double Scoop Walrus Cone!

Whenever my brain gets too full, I empty it out in the form of a drawing, painting, short story, or whatever. I'm gonna be posting that stuff here. You've been warned.